Using Appreciation to Heal a Relationship

Appreciation is a great tool that can be used to heal virtually any relationship – and both people do not have to be involved in the appreciation process! Just one person, using the exercises below can create positive changes on their own, often to a surprising degree.

The first way to use appreciation to heal a relationship is to consider one of the most common ways that relationships can become “broken”. When you fall into disagreement with someone, or you begin drifting apart from them, you usually start focusing on everything you don’t like about them (or at least about their behavior).

Examples: He never picks up around the house. She’s always late. He’s always looking at other women. She spends too much money.

As you focus more and more on these negative things, you start to see more and more of them. If you do this long enough, eventually all you can see are the negative things. To turn the trend around, you need to start focusing on the positive more than you focus on the negative. Appreciation is an excellent tool to help you do that.

Accentuating the Positive

photo credit: yoga – photowork

Start by making a list of 10 things you appreciate about your partner. That can be tough when things aren’t so rosy between you, I know!

But here’s the good news – the things you appreciate don’t have to be in the present moment. If you truly can’t think of 10 things you appreciate about him or her right now, think about things from the past. Think about character traits you love in your partner, or things he or she has said to you that made you feel good.

Try to write a list like this at least once per day, no matter how challenging it is at times!

Also be sure to jot down any gestures or behaviors your partner did that made you feel good that day. If he took out the trash without being asked, write down how much you appreciate that. If she cut short her phone conversation to snuggle with you and watch a movie, give her props for doing that!

Get Excited About Things Getting Better

In addition to your appreciation lists, you may also want to start focusing on the future with excitement and eagerness. Write descriptions of the future life you wish to have with your partner, and allow feelings of excitement and joy to flow through you as you think about it.

Speak out loud about things between you and your partner getting better and better! State aloud how much you love him or her, and how much he or she loves you. Affirm that you are aligned perfectly and will enjoy a long, happy, fulfilling relationship together.

De-Emphasize the Negative

While you’re focusing more attention on these positive exercises, it’s vital to stop focusing so much on your partner’s negative traits. That may not always be easy, but do your best to turn away from behavior that doesn’t thrill you. Don’t start fights with him or her, and if you feel that he or she may be trying to start an argument, do your best to work it out without shouting or flinging emotional barbs.

Focus more of your attention on the positive appreciation exercises. They MUST be done on regular basis to be effective!

Little by little, as you stop investing so much energy and focus into the negative aspects of your relationship and focus more on the positive aspects, your feelings will begin to change in a more positive way, and you’ll notice that your partner’s behavior will change too! All in response to you changing your dominant focus about your relationship.